Is oral sex okay?

We are thankful someone had the guts just to put that in the question box.  Even though it’s not easy to talk about, we as church ought to help couples understand that they are not left to themselves on questions or struggles, but that this is a safe place for discussion.  So, here we go…

First of all, if you or your spouse have trauma of some kind involving this particular sexual act, we would ask you to consider skipping today’s post for now, but perhaps agreeing to revisit the post later with your spouse.  Be honest with your spouse about the situation; they may not even be aware.

Now, on with the question.  It seems to us that this question has many layers to it, only the first of which we discussed earlier.  The first part is a recap of what we said in class:

Is oral sex okay with God?

God, while He made sex something good, is not shy about telling us when it goes against his design (One set of authors has mentioned 10 categories that Biblical scholars note are prohibited by God’s direct commands).  There is no Biblical prohibition against oral sex.

Most modern commentators agree that Song of Songs is at face value about sexual intimacy within a marriage relationship.  And in Song of Songs, there are at least 2 possible references to oral sex (one of a husband to his wife, and one of a wife to her husband).  In Song of Songs 4:16, she says, “Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad.  Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.”  It should be noted that in Song of Songs the metaphors of garden and fruit refer specifically to the genital area.  In Song of Songs 2:3, she says, “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest so is my beloved among the young men.  In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”  In our study of Song of Songs, we discovered that God in his goodness has given married couples great freedom in their sexual relationship with each other.  But there are at least 3 more questions that beg to be answered.

Is oral sex okay hygienically?

Some people really have a hang-up with the thought, “My spouse wants to kiss me (or wants me to kiss) where?”  Regarding the hygiene issue, a Christian marriage blogger writes, “Your mouth is filled with so much more bad bacteria than your [spouse’s genitals.]  If you’re still concerned, take the simple step of showering before sex and rest assured that there is nothing dirty about it” (Ruth Buezis, ChristianSexClass.org).  Almost anything can be done in an unhygienic way, but it appears that there is nothing inherently unhygienic about the act of oral sex itself.

Is oral sex okay with your spouse?

And this is really what it comes down to in many marriages where this is an area of ongoing tension.  God has given you great freedom in your marriage, but with great freedom comes great responsibility.  It is okay to ask your spouse for what you want provided it is within God’s design for sex in marriage (otherwise, your spouse has to guess, and that can be very frustrating).  However, be very careful about how (and how hard) you push for specific things.  There is clearly significant crossover here between the freedom God ordained in the marriage bed and how we treat our spouses in pursuit of that freedom..  There may be underlying reasons why your spouse does not want to do this; reasons having to do with past abuse or misuse of sex, perhaps porn use (or a spouse’s porn use), hygienic hang-ups, etc.  If your spouse has suffered trauma in this area (this is true specifically here and generally across the board), please understand that their aversion to this is deep-seeded.  Even the mention of this specific act may trigger great emotional pain.  Give your spouse time, space, and help to work through things (sometimes it’s a bunch of each of these).  It is possible that third party professional help (counseling) might be necessary to work through past trauma.  Regardless, your spouse probably should not feel like they have to do this for you. It’s much better if it flows from a place of love (even self-sacrificial love), right?  If it’s not okay with your spouse, is it okay with God?

Is it okay with you?

What if you are the one who has the hang-up with oral sex?  First of all, if there has been trauma in your life relating to this (again, this is specifically true for any sexual act and also true for sexual intimacy in general), we are sorry, and we want you to realize that Jesus weeps with you; He does not speak harshly to you here.  Depending on the extent of the trauma, counseling may be something you want to think about, and there is no shame in that.  But living in trauma is not life to the fullest.  We encourage you to go to God and ask Him for healing.

If that’s not you, but you’re still not okay with oral sex, please consider the following: There are two ways to miss the mark (hamartia, in Greek) sexually: (1) You take what God calls bad and call it good. (2) You take what God calls good and call it bad.  They are both dangerous, but the second is really sneaky because if you buy that, then you’re also tempted to see yourself as holier than others.  Jesus had some very harsh things to say to people who were taking what God called good, calling it bad, and looking down their noses at others for it (healing on the Sabbath comes to mind).  If your spouse has asked you for X and you’ve just slammed the door, there may already be some resentment built up.  If you have asked for time, space, and help to work through this, that’s fantastic (most people would love it if their spouses would commit to working on their sexual relationship).  However, make sure you’re actually working on it and not just taking an emotional vacation, because that’s not okay and it isn’t fair to your spouse. Saying you want to work on it and actually working on it are two very different things.

Perspectives: It sounds to us like maybe this question comes from a point of contention. Be careful in all such situations (1) that the spouse who wants it doesn’t force it and (2) that the spouse who is resisting asks themselves why they are resisting. (Are you dealing with past trauma? Are you being unreasonable?)

Bottom Line: It appears to us that oral sex is okay with God, but if one spouse hates it, now is not the best time to push for it. Be careful—getting fixated on one sexual thing that your spouse hesitates to engage in seems to us a pretty effective way to limit intimacy between the two of you. If you’re the spouse that hates it, now may be the time to work through the issues of why you hate it. Be careful—calling something bad that God has called good seems to us a pretty effective way to limit intimacy between the two of you. As husband and wife, be servant lovers of each other. Love each other into your God-given freedom.

Below are some links to helpful websites on this topic written by Christian authors that we trust:

http://christiansexclass.org/2015/02/21/live-the-song-his-fruit-is-sweet/  <This author answers 4 simple questions about our approach to oral sex.

http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2015/02/sex-involves-intercourse-intimacy/ <This author reminds us of the dangers of fixating on one particular sexual act.

http://hotholyhumorous.com/2014/05/still-nervous-about-giving-him-oral-yeah-i-get-it/ <This author helps answer some questions that naturally come up.  She writes with truth and humor, which is a helpful combination.

http://hotholyhumorous.com/2012/02/oral-sex-how-to/ <“Oral Sex How To” pretty much says it all…

http://hotholyhumorous.com/2012/03/oral-sex-better-to-give-and-receive-volume-1/ <Same author as above.  Same truth and humor.

http://hotholyhumorous.com/2012/03/oral-sex-better-to-give-and-receive-part-deux/ <Truth and humor part 2.

http://forgivenwife.com/2013/05/10/oral-blessings/ <This author helps wives become comfortable with oral sex from wife to husband.

http://forgivenwife.com/2014/02/16/to-drink-of-spiced-wine/ <This author helps wives become comfortable with oral sex from husband to wife.

While we’ve tried to be faithful in our analysis and suggestions, we don’t claim a corner on the truth here.  Feel free to comment below.